Why I Started Jill Unfiltered: Unleashing My Unapologetic Voice

I'm Jill. I'm a woman, a daughter, and a mother. I'm the youngest sister, the baby. I'm a survivor, although I don't really like to think of myself that way. I'm very opinionated but also introverted. I'm really pretty simple, yet I'm kind of hard to describe.

This blog is about whatever I feel like writing about in the moment and for once I'm not holding back. It may contain adult language, and it will be full of my opinions that may be controversial. But there's a message woven through that needs to be released into the world.

I have decided to make this my safe space to say what needs to be said. This will stay a safe space, because I have no doubt that readers who find me offensive or incorrect or annoying will leave. Sure, they'll argue with me, but they won't stop me. Eventually they will leave.

The Shaping of Me

Feeling badass

I'm less than two years out of a nightmare marriage that almost ended in divorce, but death came first. I have been cheated on, lied to, gaslit, belittled, slandered, everything short of physical abuse. I'm on the other side of that now, but I'm not gonna say it didn't change me. It changed me forever. And not for the worse. I'm a stronger person. I have boundaries now. There's still healing to be done, but I know who I am and what I value. I know that I will NEVER let myself be treated that way again. This person in the picture is the person I want to be forever. I was confident that day. I was proud of myself. And I wasn't going to let anything stand in my way.

The experience of that marriage has definitely played a part in shaping who I am today. Other things did too of course. I think being the youngest of three kids played a role. I had some kind of youngest child syndrome. I thought I would always be the littlest or something. Less competent. I never thought of myself as being grown up, even into adulthood. I just thought of myself as the little sister who couldn't. That's who I was. The little sister who couldn't. Couldn't live up to her siblings' accomplishments. Wouldn't ever amount to what they did. Wasn't possibly anywhere near as smart as they were. Absolutely not as musically inclined. That was my story and there was no other narrative that seemed remotely plausible.

Yeah. That's sad. But it's what I believed. I only recently realized the extent to which that was what I lived by. That's how I was so easily taken by a narcissist. More than once.

Today

There are other things that shaped me, like my experience at school, my experience with horses, and church, and my parents' values. Yep. Horses. Horses became a huge part of my life and still are. I fashion myself a horse trainer of sorts. I love them. I love all animals. I have a bunch of dogs. But the horses. They got me through the worst of times. They carried me. I wouldn't be okay if it weren't for horses. And today I share that with as many people as I can. I'm building my horse business back up to be better than ever.

But that's not what this blog is about. I'm sure there will be lots of horse stories in these pages. But the blog is about life. It's about what I've learned and what I want to share with you, my reader. And It's about what and how I think.

Today, I am someone who is passionate about many things. And I am rather opinionated. I have strong opinions on politics, religion (mostly Christianity), abortion, equal rights, you get the point, and naturally I think I'm right about those things. But I also recognize that people who have other opinions naturally think that they are right. I know they're wrong and they know I'm wrong! It's a pretty big conundrum when we both think that we need the other to agree with us! Seriously though, I don't think everyone needs to agree with me and I don't think I'm always right. I do feel pretty passionately that certain rights and values should be upheld or at least allowed. As Harriet Lerner said in her book "The Dance of Anger," we all have the right to everything we think and feel.

I'm going to leave it at that for my first post. This isn't my first experience with blogging, but it is the first time that I have decided to just let loose and let my fingers fly on the keyboard. It's the first time that I am writing a blog post without filtering myself, without going back and rewriting a hundred times, and without following all the experts' advice for how to write a blog post. They tell you to be authentic but then they make it hard to do that with all their advice. So here it is. Authentic as can be. Written as the thoughts flew out, like a stream of consciousness on steroids. Ah hell, I started a round of prednisone this morning, so I guess it's true!

Okay, check back. I hope to write again soon.