Accepting What Is

I'm back. In more ways than one. Literally, I am back home after being in Kansas City for a few weeks. And I'm back here on my blog. Yeah, the one I told myself I would write in regularly. I'm also back from feeling like death after chemotherapy. And I'm back to reality.

Kansas City Skyline

In Kansas City, I could just focus on myself and my recovery. My life consisted of going to the Bone Marrow Transplant Clinic (BMT for short) every day and then back to Hope Lodge where my mom and I stayed. Hope Lodge is a place run by the American Cancer Society where patients can stay while they are receiving treatments away from home. In my case, insurance wouldn't pay for me to have my stem cell transplant in Wichita where my local oncologist's office is. They had me go to The University of Kansas Health System because it is a Center for Excellence.

Losing my hair after chemo

Anyway, here I am back home, and the reality of my circumstances is really sinking in. My life used to be horses, horses, and more horses. Teaching riding lessons for a living, taking care of all the horses every day, that was my world. Of course I'm a mom too, and a grandma, so that's the other half of my life, I guess. But now, I can't go into the barn at all. My immune system is very compromised. I have no immunity to anything because my bone marrow was flushed out with chemo and I had no white blood cells for a while. Now my white count is normal, but those brand-new cells don't know anything yet. I will have to start all the childhood vaccines all over again. In the meantime, I can't be in the barn because of hay, dirt, dust, and whatever else is out there that might make me sick, until I'm 100 days out from my stem cell transplant. I can't be around plants, I can't do yard work or mow, and I'm supposed to limit being around all my animals. So, I'm pretty much confined to only three rooms in my house. Plus, I can't be out in public except to go see my oncologist. I can't eat in restaurants and if I get any take out or delivery, I have to reheat it to steaming before I can eat it. I can't have deli meats because of the potential for contamination, and I can't get things like sandwiches from restaurants with lettuce and tomato because I can't be sure it was properly washed. And of course I can't order a salad.

I'm also facing the other part of my reality, the fact that my riding lesson business is practically nonexistent. There are literally two paying students. The other lessons are in exchange for barn help since I can't be out there feeding and cleaning stalls. So, I have decisions to make about whether or not to attempt to build the business back up after a long period of not really doing anything. Plus, I don't know if I will ever be able to get on a horse again because of the lumbar fractures and bone lesions from the multiple myeloma. The property needs a lot of work if I'm going to get things going again, or even if I'm not there is still a lot of mowing and tree trimming that has been neglected over the last few years. The death of my husband two years ago, plus my father's dementia and then his death just three months ago, has left my mom and me to try to get all the upkeep accomplished by ourselves. Thankfully my son is now fourteen and strong so he can help.

Feeling cute with my head cover

So, this really sounds like a post just complaining about my life. And I believe I have every right to do so. Life has dealt me a lot of shit for a long time. But I'm not writing this to complain. I'm writing this because I was thinking about how important it is to accept the reality of our circumstance, whatever it is. Nothing can change what happened to create the circumstance we're in. The only thing we can do is move forward from where we are. But if we're resisting our reality, we hold ourselves back. We get stuck in resist mode or complain mode. So first we have to accept what is. And I've learned that the easiest way to do this is to really look at things factually. No opinions, just state what is. In my case, I might say "My doctors are making me stay in the house." But is that true? Is it really just facts? Are they actually making me stay in the house? It's not like they can stop me. I need to change something because "making me" is really opinion, or maybe perception. Another person might disagree, while a third might even say they are forcing me. In reality, it's just standard advice that all patients are given post-transplant. Advice. My doctors have advised me to stay in the house. They have advised me to avoid mowing and yard work. The difference here is that it doesn't seem so negative when I change the wording. The circumstance isn't negative or positive anymore, there's no spin. It's simply a statement of what is. Now that it's neutral I can decide how I want to think about it. I'm going to go with the thought that it's good to be careful and while I may be a little bored and I'm definitely not active enough, it's better than being super sick. It's a lot easier to accept when I think of it in a more neutral way. And now that I have accepted that being inside staying healthy is what my life is right now, I can start working on a way forward. I can think of things I can do while I'm quarantined. And I already have. I've binge watched a whole series on Netflix, but I've also gone through my filing cabinet and gotten rid of papers and things I don't need. I've made calls about medical bills that insurance denied and got that problem cleared up. I've done some coloring for stress relief. I've updated the website for my lesson business. And now I'm working in this blog again. I also have to accept that I tire more quickly than I used to. I need more breaks. I am not going to be mean to myself about taking time to rest, because my body has been through a lot! I'm going to be tired for a while.

Taking a test

I really like this way of thinking. It's not new. Therapists call this Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Life coaches have made millions of dollars selling coaching using this "model" as they call it. But it's really just being aware of your thinking and how it affects your mood, and as a result, how that affects your life. Every thought your brain has affects how you feel to some extent. And sometimes we need to examine our thoughts to see if they are really true, and if they are helping us or hurting us. Thoughts can be really harmful. Especially if the thought is a negative one about yourself. For example, a student does poorly on a test. They might think " I'm so stupid." And that thought probably isn't true and definitely isn't helpful. That thought will prevent them from working at trying to improve because it's a very hopeless thought. That student could try thinking something like "Sometimes people do poorly on tests," or even "I wonder what I could do differently for the next test." That thought could lead to finding a study partner, asking the teacher for help, learning to take better notes, or any number of actions that result in a better test score next time.

Okay, that was pretty cool. I'm feeling good about this post. I'm not going to worry about whether it's a good post or not, because I'm sticking with writing about what's on my mind for now, even if it means I'm all over the place in this blog. Because that's what I set out to do. I'm being authentic, free, and unfiltered. And maybe a little rambling, but that's okay. I'm trusting that this process will end up finding the direction it's meant to go.

That's all for now.