My Story (some of it)

Phoenix

When I created this website, it was to help other women in toxic relationships. It was called From the Ashes. The whole Phoenix rising idea was super cool, I thought, and still do. But I found that it was also very widely used. So many other people have from the ashes in their name or something about a Phoenix. It’s great symbolism and I love the necklace that my sister gave me with a Phoenix. And I want a Phoenix tattoo someday. But I decided my website needed a different name and needed something that could work even if I pivoted a little. So, I did a little brainstorming with some help from AI and came up with Shadows and Glow. I still like that name. But one day I was just thinking about what I really wanted. And I knew I wanted to be able to say anything and everything without holding back. I didn’t want to filter myself. And that’s when I thought of Jill, Unfiltered.

I still like that. And I still want this blog to be that, and it will. It will also be more than that. Because today I had to start on a new journey, not of my choosing. Today I went to see a hematologist at the cancer center of Kansas. It is highly likely that I have multiple myeloma. That’s a blood cancer, to sum it up quickly. I have to have a bone marrow biopsy and a full body PET scan. Along with collecting my urine for 24 hours and taking it to the lab for analysis. Plus, all the labs they did today. So, this experience will probably be documented here. Because why the hell not? I’m going to have thoughts about it.

My husband died from colon cancer. He was only 42 when he was diagnosed. It spread to his liver, lungs, and brain. He deserved everything he got. Now before you go calling me a bitch for saying that, understand that he was cheating on me at the time of his diagnosis. I found out 2 years later and he denied it until a week before he died. During his surgery to remove part of his colon, one of his clients called him and I answered his phone. When I told the woman that I was his wife she said, “Oh, Stephanie?” Of course I tried to go through his phone after that. I knew about Stephanie, but I had been told that was over. But I got him locked out of his phone. After his surgery when he wanted to use his phone and couldn’t, he was PISSED! He denied being with her, told me he had no idea why the woman thought his wife was named Stephanie! He made me feel horrible for trying to go through his phone. He continued this relationship and when I was told about it 2 years later, he continued to deny it. But in 2023 when he was in the hospital because the cancer spread to his brain, I caught them together in his hospital room. That was the end. It was May. He died in August. Karma. The homewrecking whore shacked up with his brother. More karma. Most of his kids hate him. Best karma of all.

I digress. But it’s interesting that I told that story so easily now. When I started From the Ashes, I could not figure out how I was going to tell my story. Where to start? Do I tell it chronologically? Start in the present and jump around to the big highlights and fill in more details later? It was causing me some writer's block. But the rambling just makes it so it flows out. Hopefully it flows and you’re not having trouble following as you read this. Hopefully I’m making sense.

I’m tired. I have brain fog. My hemoglobin is low. Lots of labs are high or low. I just don’t feel the best. At least now I have a pretty good idea why.

I will update as things transpire. Until then, good night.